Sirius's View on the End of the World
by SiriusLurver78
Summary: What happens when you mix poker with the Marauders? You get chao, complete chaos, especially when McGonagall and Snape arrive on the scene. L/J.


Title: Sirius's View on the World Coming to an End, or Why You Should Never Wander the Halls of Hogwarts Completely Unclothed  
  
Author name: CousinYogurt99 http://www.fictionalley.org/fictionalleypark/forums/member.php?action=getin fo&userid=9885  
  
Author email: Sprky007@aol.com mailto:Sprky007@aol.com  
  
Category: Humor  
  
Sub Category: Suspense  
  
Keywords: Maraudres poker MWPP Sirius Lily  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoilers: Um. . . . I guess all, but you don't really need to have read the HP books to laugh at this.  
  
Summary: A funny, slashy, funny (did we mention funny and slashy?) MWPP fic where James and Lily get it together, Sirius is, um. . . Sirius, there's some strip poker, a few laughs, and a TOTAL surprise ending (we think.)  
  
DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. We don't own any of these HP characters, but Lexy Travis and Jade MacPherson are our own inventions. Happy reading!!!  
  
Author notes: Please R/R. If you like it, there could be a sequal (or two).  
  
Sparky: Keelie! That's what everyone says!  
  
Keelie: So? It's true!  
  
Sparky: Well, let's be original, boldly go where no 2 schoongalists have gone before-  
  
Keelie: How 'bout not.  
  
Sparky: OMIGOD! I just realized something is horribly wrong! There's no Orlando Bloom in this story!  
  
Keelie: Uh, Sparky, this isn't LOTR. So the character he plays, Legolas, is a totally hot Elven archer who looks REALLY good kicking Ork butt. That doesn't mean we should put him in here.  
  
Sparky: Come on! Legloas Greenleaf rox!!  
  
Keelie: YOU KNOW HIS LAST NAME?  
  
Sparky: Of course. Chapter fourteen, page 245, line---  
  
Keelie: OMG! I have to introduce to a new series. I know enough Tolkien trivia to last a lifetime. Anyway, R/R, remember about the sequels!  
  
Sparky (evil laughter): HAHAHA!!! LEGOLAS GREENLEAF KICKS---  
  
Keelie (duct tapes Sparky's mouth, walks away, bangs head against nearby wall): Just read the damn story!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* "I'm bo-ored," whined sixteen-year-old Sirius Black, glancing around the Gryffindor common room, as if hoping for something to liven up his Saturday night. He glanced at his best friends Remus Lupin and James Potter, who were lounging around Sirius, talking to Lily Evans, Arabella Figg, and Lexy Travis. The fourth Marauder, Peter Pettigrew, was nowhere to be found. Sirius was beginning to think this was a luxury. Peter had been acting stranger and stranger as of late. One day last week, he'd even stopped Sirius from beating up Severus Snape, the slimiest, greasiest sixth year at Hogwarts. The nerve of Wormtail! "There must be something to do, Padfoot," James reassured his best friend. "There they go with those nicknames again," Lexy sighed, flicking a strand of long blonde hair off her face. "Oh, I think it's cute," cooed Lily, "James calls his boyfriend by a little nickname." Sirius laughed but noticed James's ears were turning bright pink. Note to self: Inform James everyone knows about his little crush on Lily. . .well, except Lily. Remus, noticing the mischievous glint in Sirius's black eyes, decided to intervene. "Erm-- how about we set off about a billion dungbombs in the Slytherin common room?" "Did that last week, when I cut Herbology," Sirius replied glumly. "Professor Rookwood, the bloody Slytherin loving bastard, caught me hovering about and took 20 points off Gryffindor." "Oh! You could transfigure the portrait at the Hufflepuff common room into something funny," suggested Arabella. "Turned it into a banana last Monday. Stupid Hufflepuffs couldn't get into their dormitories for a bloody hour," James explained. Sirius watched his friends toss ideas back and forth. He saw James pretending not to ogle Lily as she fiddled with the hem of her scarlet Gryffindor Lions t-shirt. Bet James would love to see Lily rip that shirt right off. Sirius jumped up from his armchair. That was bloody it! He could get James, his best friend, Prongsie ol' pal, his closest mate since they were six, together with the lovely Lily Evans, and have the added bonus of seeing Arabella and Lexy-- who could both be called lovely themselves-- arse naked. [A/N: Well, Americans say butt naked, right? Anyways, this is Keelie's idea, not mine.] "POKER!" he shouted loudly. Remus eyed him curiously. "Aren't we a little old for card games?" Sirius grinned, making a group of first year girls across the room swoon. "Ah, but that's the beauty of it Moony. . ." he paused dramatically. A first year girl held her breath so hard, she nearly fainted. "STRIP POKER!" The first year really did faint. Note to self: After setting up Prongs and Miss Evans and checking out Lexy and Bella, kill fan club. James was nodding eagerly. Apparently mentally undressing Lily wouldn't compare to actually seeing her naked. Sirius gave himself a mental pat on the back. You are the man, Padfoot! Remus was still looking doubtful. "Only if Lexy, Lily, and Bella play." Lexy, Lily and Bella exchanged a brief glance. Finally they all agreed. Sirius rubbed his hands together like an evil madman-- well after all, he was one. [A/N: Go Sirius, you're a hottie!] "Well, we can't play here," Lily pointed out sensibly. All the first year girls looked immensely disappointed, and three of them appeared to be plotting Lily's murder. "What? The fans would overwhelm Sirius." "So, we'll sneak into an empty classroom," James shrugged. "No big deal." "Whenever anyone has a detention, have you noticed the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom is always empty?" asked Remus. "Prongs is right, no big deal." "I'll grab a deck of cards," offered Bella. As she stood, she turned to face them. "You do all know how to play poker, right?" "Well enough," Sirius responded. "Prongs and Moony are pretty decent, and I of course, am the God of Poker." "Last time we played, Sirius lost every round," James sniggered. Sirius shot him a death glare. He was sure he'd play better when the stakes were higher. Arabella returned with the cards, and offered them to Sirius. He stuck them in the back pocket of his baggy jeans. "Let's go!" The six friends snuck quietly (well, as quietly as a werewolf, a nervous boy in love, three rather normal girls, and a Sirius Black could sneak) to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. As Remus had predicted, it was dark and deserted. James lit the torches with a wave of his wand. Sirius and Lexy summoned six chairs and a table to the center of the room. They all sat down and Sirius produced the cards. "So, normal poker rules then?" he asked as he shuffled the deck. "Ooh, I have an idea," put in Lily, emerald eyes lighting up. "Once we're done, we should have to go back to the common room dressed--or really, undressed--like we were at the end of the game." "Brilliant!" declared Sirius. "A perfect way to cap off the evening after suffering a humiliating five way defeat to the God of Poker." Lily won the first round, and surveyed her victims with a satisfied smile. "James," she announced suddenly. James went fuchsia. "I've always wanted to see how you're built under that T-shirt of yours. Come on, take it off!" If it was possible, James went even redder. Sirius chortled to himself. Yes, that's right, Prongsie pal, Lovely Lily Evans is coming on to you, be a man! At least James managed to get off his navy T-shirt without his head bursting into flame, but it wasn't exactly what Sirius would call smooth. More like fumbling, bumbling, and totally embarrassing. But at least it was off, and Lily was silently admiring his six-pack. And it's not anywhere near as defined as mine! Lexy took James's shirt from him and folded it neatly. Then she stacked it next to her chair. "I'll deal." The next round was more fast-paced. Remus won and looked between Lexy, Bella, and Lily-- "Lexy. Skirt." Sirius choked on nothing. "Whoa, Remus, a little reckless, are you, Moony?" He clapped. Lexy and Remus both blushed, but she unzipped her short gray shirt and shimmied out of it. Sirius noticed James was still staring at Lily, who was sitting there, still completely clothed. His eyes (which to Sirius where just plain brown, but he'd heard a few girls sighing that they were "chocolate-colored") hadn't even turned to Lexy, who was folding her skirt, wearing a fuzzy three-quarter-length black sweater and a pale yellow pineapple-print thong. Well, I'll just have to stare at her double what I normally would, to make up for Prong's obvious lack of ogling. Sirius shifted his gaze to Lexy, who had stacked her skirt on top of James's T-shirt. Remus dealt the next round, which Arabella won. Remus lost his pants to her, and slipped out of the khakis blushing furiously, to the mock applause of Sirius and James, who had slipped out of his Lily-induced trance long enough to noticed Moony being humiliated. "Love the boxers." Arabella rolled her eyes at Remus's kelly green, mermaid- patterned boxer shorts. Sirius snorted. Those were so Moony. The game continued at an even more rapid pace, punctuated by the blushing (in Lexy, Remus, Bella, Lily, and James's case) or completely unabashed (in Sirius's) removal of various articles of clothing. Finally, the game drew to a mutual close. Everyone was more or less undressed (James and Remus were only wearing their boxers, the girls were all just in bras and underwear, and Sirius was-- much to the giggling of Lexy and Bella and the eye-rolling of Prongs and Moony-- thoroughly naked, prancing around the room, completely and shamelessly hamming it up) and were stifling yawns. James seemed to have snapped a little further of the Lily-trance. Sirius gave him an excuse to return to his normal sarcastic self (not that he was witty, or anything, in Sirius's opinion ol' Prongsie used some pretty old jokes), but every once in a while he stared unabashedly at Lily's scantily- clad body. Women, Sirius thought. Can't live with them. . . erm, how does that saying going again? Can't live with them, so it's a good thing they live in a separate dormitory and only see you for proper romantic liaisons? Something like that, anyways. [A/N: The saying is "Can't live with them, can't live without them" which is so totally not true. I'm a very good roommate. Sort of. Better than Sparky, anyhow.] "We should probably head back to the common room," Bella spoke up, gathering the cards into a neat pile and reaching for her folded black skirt, red tank top, and denim jacket. "Don't put those on!" Sirius scolded her, straddling his chair. "Remember? We get dressed in the common room." All three of the girls seemed to, all at once, be overcome with a fit of giggles. Honestly, when it comes to girls and giggling, it's a goddamn epidemic, Sirius concluded. Then he remembered something. There was a reason for them to be giggling. Oh, bugger. . . It didn't really bother Sirius to be dancing around naked in front of James, Remus, Lily, Bella, and Lexy. They were like family, really-- okay, so if Bella and Lexy were family, he wouldn't be so excited to play them at strip poker-- but really, he knew what he meant, so it was all good. But running around the Hogwarts castle naked was another story. Oh, bloody hell. . . crap. . . damn. . . bugger Lily for her stupid rule. "Oh, Padfoot, this will be good," snickered James, who was tucking his T- shirt and jeans under one arm. "Oh, damn you, Lily, your rule bloody sucks!" Sirius replied testily. "What's the shortest way back to the common room?" "Well. . . we can sprint past the Transfig classroom," Remus answered thoughtfully, gathering his khakis and black shirt. "Professor DeLuca is hardly ever in there. . . but that assistant of his. . . McGonagall. . . only a few years older than us and works harder than Dumbledore is." "So that'd be risky," interjected Lexy. "But McGonagall is so into her bloody work I doubt she'd notice if nine naked Siriuses wearing fake beards and baseball caps raced past, dancing." "Ooh. . ." Remus winced. "Bad mental picture. Bad, bad mental picture." More giggling. It's catching, like the chicken pox, Sirius thought gloomily. Pretty soon Jamsie and Moony will be doing it. "We have to chance it," James added. "I mean, Sirius is the only one that's. . . ah. . . liable for total humiliation--" Sirius snorted. What a way with words. "But we're all at in our underwear and if we run into anyone, we're deader than dead." Oh, he's so poetic. "Liable for total humiliation?" "Deader than dead?" Oh, just freaking poetic. "So let's go." Lily tugged on James's hand to pull him up. He went Gryffindor scarlet. "Come on. . ." It took a few minutes for the room to be returned to normal, the lights to be snuffed out, and all the clothes and cards to be packed up. But soon all of them were at the door, nervously waiting for Sirius's signal. What am I going to use as a signal? A casual hand wave? A whispered word? A secret gesture? "Just bloody go!" he cried. Well, there always is the direct approach. The six snuck down the hall. The only tricky part would be the Transfiguration classroom. If they got past that, it was a dash to the Fat Lady and they were home free. No one was paying attention to the mostly dark Transfiguration classroom, Sirius least of all. He was thinking of a subtle way to trip, thrusting Lily into James's arms and ensuring at least a bit of a snog. What happened next was so unexpected Sirius really did trip and send Lily flying. "My eyes, my bloody eyes!" he shrieked as he saw what-- or whom, rather-- was inside the classroom. McGonagall. Teacher's assistant, studious, slightly older Minerva McGonagall. And Snape. Six-year, greasy, sneering Snape. Locked in a passionate embrace that seemed to be traveling towards the teacher's desk. "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!" hissed Lexy and Bella. Snape threw McGonagall across the desk and started to kiss her. "Oh. . . ewwwwwwwwwww!" Remus cried, stumbling against the wall as their snog grew. . . well, way too fervid for them to take. Lexy, Bella, Sirius, and Remus dashed past, alternately holding their breath and crying out in horror. Sirius glanced back, pointedly avoiding the door, and looked for James and Lily. Ooh. . . his plan had worked. Lily was in James's arms, looking up at him from long-lashed green eyes. He was breathing heavily and staring back. Then, since apparently he wasn't going to make the first move, she locked her hands behind his neck, pulled him down, and kissed him square on the lips. It was a sweet, pure, innocent kiss. . . like the first snowflake of a winter snowfall. . . or more to the point, a bloody Hufflepuff. "James!" Sirius reprimanded his friend. "Lily! What in the name of Lexy's insanely skimpy thong are you doing?" They ignored him. Lexy and Bella were pressed against the wall, chanting "Oh God, Oh God" to themselves. Remus was practically shaking, mumbling something incoherent. "James!" Sirius shouted. Snape and McGonagall weren't noticing anything but their bloody selves, so why not increase the volume to get through to his best friend? "I'm superglad you and Lily got your act together and realized you like each other and all, but need I remind you we're all in our underwear-- except me, I'm freaking naked-- it's past curfew, Snape and McGonagall are-- oh my God, what the heck are they doing now-- oh God oh God-- and basically, Prongs, the world is-- oh God tell me I did not just see that-- coming to a bloody end!" Sirius started to rock back and forth as he inadvertently looked in on McGonagall and Snape. "Did you hear me?!? The world is coming to an end!" yelled Sirius. Actually, now it's really ending. Jade MacPherson, Head Girl, a beautiful blonde Gryffindor, and Sirius's all time crush walked around the corner. I wonder if I could get someone to Avada Kedavra me? Sirius wondered as Jade let out a surprised and disgusted shriek. Would it be worth it? Let's review: I'm standing here naked. Along with Lexy, Bella, and Remus, I will be scarred for life. Lily and James have taken no notice and are snogging on the floor, half- dressed. And they're snogging like bloody Hufflepuffs-- oh God, no wait, now they're going at it like Gryffindors-- oh man, I take back what I said about Hufflepuffs-- sweet and pure and innocent was so okay compared to this. Snape and McGonagall are making out in the Transfig classroom. SNAPE And MCGONAGALL! Jade MacPherson is a witness to all of this. Hell, yeah, it'd be worth it. 


End file.
